I need to just chill the fuck out.

I am 19 years old.

Based on family history, and hoping I don't get involved in any freak accidents, I have between 41 and 77 years left to live. 41 years?! Holy shit! That is a lot of time...

A lot of time to be an artist
A lot of time to travel the world
A lot of time to write
A lot of time to make money
A lot of time to not make money
A lot of time to do what I want
A lot of time to change my mind
A lot of time to have friends
A lot of time to get a new car
A lot of time to get the degree I want...

I need to stop freaking out that I can't do everything I want right now.


I can't buy a new tv, computer, or car
I can't afford to travel the world
I can't be an artist full-time
I can't just sit around and write all day
I can't decide to just walk-out on my job
I can't not go to school
I can't cut off contact with my family
I can't go party with my friends all the time

But someday in the next 41 years I'll have the time, ability and resources to make it all happen.

I never was very good with that whole 'patience' idea though.

younger days

catch fireflies in jelly jars
sleep with me under the stars
on a trampoline or in a tent
we can make it out of bed sheets
let's sing to endless summer nights
& drink to those mem'ries hated in hindsight
against us now is nothing but us
I want you to want this with me

you're the philip to my aurora
the han to my leia
the paul to my holly
& the hitler to my eva

today, i'm on fire

i almost did this, i almost did that
just a week ago i said, "what if
i took it all back..."
i'm thankful i can't, i'm thankful i didn't
had i chose that though
things would be different...
i may not be on a track of stereotypical success
but to me i'm all that matters
i feel that i am blessed
i've done more by now than you'll do in five years
and it's all because
i dove head first into my fears
you are all playing safe and afraid for what you want
can i give you some advice
go for it & suck it up

just start with your name

sweat, heat, passion
want, need, desire
pain, hate, regret
lust, love, lost

June 1, 2010

fameless

oreos and cigarettes
awkwardness
social inept

sleepless nights
down the hall
awkwardness

tea and kittens
worry-dolls
oreos and cigarettes

bitter, not jealous

stupid...
professionals?
not really
those who can
do
those who can't
teach
its people like you giving me a bad name
its people like you giving them a bad name
and theres nothing i can do about it
professionals
are supposed to actually know what they are doing
not a lucky guess
not a chance occurrence
work hard
get far
riding in on anothers refined path
is cheap
worthless
if you dont know what youre doing in the first place
you dont know the opportunities you arent taking advantage of
theres no way you can be in it for the money
when there is none

...networking