work me

in a weird place

a place of forced facades

secretly

I’ve crushed for years

and now

the slight peak in interest

brings about a novel of falsehoods

the story I forced

the feelings I dreamed

the life I made up

I want it

are we real?

did I just imagine this match,

forced my attention,

and called it flawless?

patience

grow up

make decisions

and time tells all

I need to just chill the fuck out.

I am 19 years old.

Based on family history, and hoping I don't get involved in any freak accidents, I have between 41 and 77 years left to live. 41 years?! Holy shit! That is a lot of time...

A lot of time to be an artist
A lot of time to travel the world
A lot of time to write
A lot of time to make money
A lot of time to not make money
A lot of time to do what I want
A lot of time to change my mind
A lot of time to have friends
A lot of time to get a new car
A lot of time to get the degree I want...

I need to stop freaking out that I can't do everything I want right now.


I can't buy a new tv, computer, or car
I can't afford to travel the world
I can't be an artist full-time
I can't just sit around and write all day
I can't decide to just walk-out on my job
I can't not go to school
I can't cut off contact with my family
I can't go party with my friends all the time

But someday in the next 41 years I'll have the time, ability and resources to make it all happen.

I never was very good with that whole 'patience' idea though.