left or right?

The Middle.
I'm in the Middle.
The view of the stars is so boring from the Middle.
Why here?
I've never heard anyone claim they love being in the Middle.
The Middle-at least for me-isn't a life sentence.
The time has come, and I can leave it if I want.
To some there, is nothing wrong with being in the Middle.
But I think the Middle is so neutral; not quite enough danger and still a lack of safety.
Speaking of danger,
I've been told a lot of mass-murderers came from the Middle. I guess a lot of presidents, too.
What does that say about coming from the Middle?
The Middle.
It's not all bad.
I wouldn't trade my time in the Middle for the world.
But I've grown bored of being in the Middle.
Of all the places to be, why the Middle?
There is nothing left for me in the Middle.
This is it.
The Middle.

I actually wanted to write this about something else.

Pseudonyms are really great. 100% anonymity with 100% honesty- with out the repercussions of someone knowing it was you writing about them.

Sometimes I wish that the internet wasn't so-- internet-y.
Ya know, accessible to all the right people and all the wrong people at the same time? It can really be the suck.

Everyone wants someone to sympathize with them. Agree with them. Make them feel like they're right. Make them feel like they aren't alone in a shitty, unfair, illogical world.  The easiest way to do that? Take advantage of the internet to the fullest. Fact or fiction, anyone can put up anything about everything anywhere for everyone to see. You feel so important & intelligent when you're writing [read: complaining] about school or your friends or your job or your parents or the government or lack thereof.

But posting on the internet is essentially passing around a page of your diary in a high school cafeteria. Maybe you only meant/were hoping for only a few certain people to see it. You want people to agree with you. Or you want them to feel like shit when they realize you're talking about them. That's not really what happens. They get pissed. Everyone can grab it up and take a look at it. For every person who agrees with you, there a million more who want to punch you in the throat. And if you are doing something with intentions like this? You probably deserve it.

Though it's your own soapbox, your 'diary' and you should be able to say whatever the fuck you want, you can't. Not if you want to put it out there for everyone to see. You can land in a shit ton of trouble for having the wrong opinions about the wrong people.

I need to just chill the fuck out.

I am 19 years old.

Based on family history, and hoping I don't get involved in any freak accidents, I have between 41 and 77 years left to live. 41 years?! Holy shit! That is a lot of time...

A lot of time to be an artist
A lot of time to travel the world
A lot of time to write
A lot of time to make money
A lot of time to not make money
A lot of time to do what I want
A lot of time to change my mind
A lot of time to have friends
A lot of time to get a new car
A lot of time to get the degree I want...

I need to stop freaking out that I can't do everything I want right now.


I can't buy a new tv, computer, or car
I can't afford to travel the world
I can't be an artist full-time
I can't just sit around and write all day
I can't decide to just walk-out on my job
I can't not go to school
I can't cut off contact with my family
I can't go party with my friends all the time

But someday in the next 41 years I'll have the time, ability and resources to make it all happen.

I never was very good with that whole 'patience' idea though.

younger days

catch fireflies in jelly jars
sleep with me under the stars
on a trampoline or in a tent
we can make it out of bed sheets
let's sing to endless summer nights
& drink to those mem'ries hated in hindsight
against us now is nothing but us
I want you to want this with me

you're the philip to my aurora
the han to my leia
the paul to my holly
& the hitler to my eva

today, i'm on fire

i almost did this, i almost did that
just a week ago i said, "what if
i took it all back..."
i'm thankful i can't, i'm thankful i didn't
had i chose that though
things would be different...
i may not be on a track of stereotypical success
but to me i'm all that matters
i feel that i am blessed
i've done more by now than you'll do in five years
and it's all because
i dove head first into my fears
you are all playing safe and afraid for what you want
can i give you some advice
go for it & suck it up

just start with your name

sweat, heat, passion
want, need, desire
pain, hate, regret
lust, love, lost

June 1, 2010

fameless

oreos and cigarettes
awkwardness
social inept

sleepless nights
down the hall
awkwardness

tea and kittens
worry-dolls
oreos and cigarettes

bitter, not jealous

stupid...
professionals?
not really
those who can
do
those who can't
teach
its people like you giving me a bad name
its people like you giving them a bad name
and theres nothing i can do about it
professionals
are supposed to actually know what they are doing
not a lucky guess
not a chance occurrence
work hard
get far
riding in on anothers refined path
is cheap
worthless
if you dont know what youre doing in the first place
you dont know the opportunities you arent taking advantage of
theres no way you can be in it for the money
when there is none

...networking

it still hurts, even if we were only 'just friends'

i dont understand what happened
& i probably never will
i think im okay with that
i dont think i want to know

hey you

remember when
remember when
remember when
please don't tell me
you've already forgotten

remember when
remember when
remember when
we smoked outside
in the early morning
cool and chilled
but it was perfect

remember when
remember when
remember when
we made up words
on your alcohol stained couch
the awkward beginnings
of a life changing friendship
at least for me
& i'll never regret it

remember when
remember when
remember when